Joshua Graham's Journal
by Lorahahaha
Summary: Just some pages from my journal, will be updated when I post more pages.. eventually..


December 24, 2252

This has been the longest year yet, Caesar has had me killing in his name for 5 years now. The more I do it, the more I regret it. Sometimes I stare at my gun for hours, thinking... considering what it would be like to see God in all His Glory. I never wanted this, I don't enjoy killing. I've already accepted the fact that there's only two ways out.. and the latter seems a lot harder than just ending it. The other way would require killing Ceasar.. and all the Praetorian Guard.. and anyone else around. I just want to go home to New Canaan, be with my people on our Lord's birthday, but they'd never accept me again, would they..? I've helped enslave so many tribes, killed so many people. At night I can hear the screams of women and children as Legionnaires slaughter the men that try to fight. This Christmas eve may be my last... Amen my Lord, Joshua Graham

December 25, 2252

It's late, 3 am to be exact. I want to recap what happened though before I go to sleep. 5 short hours ago I was sitting at the tactics table, alone in my tent. I was staring at my gun again. I slowly reached for it and gripped it tightly. I started to pull it to me. Right as I prepared to direct it at me I heard a shout. I looked up and Ceasar came rushing in angry. Quickly I released the gun and it fell onto the table. Ceasar began screaming at me, pacing and asking why we hadn't put slave collars on the newly captured children. I simply replied with "It's the Lords only begotten son's birthday, why make them suffer on Christmas? Why make the recruits work today?" He was even angrier. He quit pacing and walked to the table, then he slammed his hands down on it. "Do I have a son Joshua? I AM THE LORD!" I looked at him and just shook my head. "It WILL be done tomorrow before I start training slaves to do as they're told, am I understood?" I looked at him again. "Sure thing Edward." "I AM CAESAR GRAHAM DO NOT TRY MY PATIENCE"

He then turned and stormed out. I want to go home now more then ever but, I think by staying here New Canaan is safer, and I fear it will be razed to the ground if I kill myself. This isn't for me, this is for my family, my friends, my tribe now.

Until next time, Joshua

January 2, 2253

New Years Eve will forever be known as scarlet night to me. Scarlet Night sounds a little strange doesn't it? IF you really want to know why I can recap, but I will tell you it wasn't pretty. Here goes nothing.

9 p.m.: I came out of my tent to take a walk around the camp. As I walked around I could tell the Legionnaires were all drinking, even though it's prohibited. Ceasar his self was sipping on a glass of blood red wine. I seemed to be the only person not drinking, and to be quite honest I didn't plan on it. I decided to stroll through the slave camp, even though I didn't particularly enjoy doing it. When I walked through the gate they scattered and ran away from me. I seen them in groups standing around. At the time I thought nothing of it.

11 p.m.: I was sitting alone in my tent, when Ceasar stepped partially in. "Heh I brought you something." He smiled and dragged a slave girl in "This one's-s for you." He somewhat slurred. I stayed silent as the young woman shook violently in his grip. He shoved her at me. I stood up quickly and caught her before she fell over. "See-e ya later" He said and walked off. "Please.." she said quietly. "I'm not as you think I am, girl. Have a seat." She walked over and sat down, still shaking. I went to my desk and sat down and opened up the Bible and started reading. She stared at me confused for a few minutes until I looked up. "Follow me." I stood up, grabbed her wrist and pulled her after me. I took her down to one of the Frumentarii. "Vale, listen very closely. You will take her back to wherever she's from. She is NOT a slave. You touch her and I will personally kill you in front of Ceasar himself. Now go." I said to the Frumentarii. He nodded and took her by the hand and led her out of the camp. She said a quiet thank you as she left.

11:59 a.m.: I was alone again, reading through Luke 6:31 when suddenly I heard running foot steps outside. Putting my Bible down carefully, I stood and went to look out. Some Legionnaires were running by. "Stop." I said. One of them stopped quickly. "Ave sir." "What's going on?" "Something about a small slave rebellion." He said. "Go." I replied and he left. I went to Caesar's tent and he was gone so, I went to our forum. Ceasar was standing there screaming at the Praetorian Guard to stop the slaves. The army was all moving towards the slave pens. I jogged over the Ceasar. "What happened." I said as a general statement to anyone standing around. "Slaves are rebelling, looks as though I will need to make examples of them." I looked at Ceasar. "You can't re-" "I AM GOD! I WILL DO AS I PLEASE! THESE PROFLIGATES WILL LEARN THEIR PLACE!" I was silent as The Guard and Frumentarii pushed all of the slaves into the Forum like cattle. The Guard dragged more and more of the stragglers to the rest. A lot of them were severely bruised and huddling together.

12:30-ish a.m.: Ceasar laughed loudly. The crowd went totally silent. The Guard and Frumentarii were dragging off dead bodies to be burned. "You think you can defy your Lord? Son of Mars?" He said angrily. "You will learn your places, slaves, you WILL LEARN!" He snapped his fingers. Five men from the Praetorian Guard came running. "Go set up some crossed and pull the corpses off the old ones, I'm going to teach these profligates a lesson." Slave women were crying and clutching their small children. "Also someone bring me my machete." Ceasar quickly received his machete and looked over the crowd. He picked out several people. I stood idly by as Ceasar handed me the blade. "Enforce." I slit all other their necks and tossed their corpses on the ground. They began crucifying half of them by the time I was finished killing them. I left about one fourth of them so we still had some slaves. "I hope this lesson will stay with you until the day you die. If you try it again I will cut out your tongues and tie you to posts so the crows can peck out your eyes." He said angrily. The dirt was soaked in blood. The slaves were herded off, back to the pens. Blood was running down my hands and arms. I dropped the machete to the ground and the slave's blood dripped off my finger tips. I turned and began walking back to my tent. The dirty was made muddy by the gallons that I spilled. I kept walking and my boots were covered by the time I got back.

I spent the rest of the night staring at the wall, I didn't even flinch when the slaves were sent in to clean me up. I still can't get any sleep. Every time I close my eyes I can hear the slave's cries and feel the warm blood on my hands..

I don't know if I can live with myself anymore.. -Joshua  
_

January 5, 2253

Ceasar's orders, march on the next tribe this week. We capture an average of three and a half tribes per year and this is the first of the year. I don't even know the name, we've got so many already the names kind of just dissolve into the background. Some fucked up petty raiding tribe in Southern Utah. These guys are known for raping women and using children as slaves. I'm starting to like the idea of making them into slaves. They're all going to get to be slaves since over half of our slaves are dead.. at Ceasar's will. We're setting off tomorrow, I'm ready to leave today but it takes a lot of time for the army to get ready I guess.

Edward keeps trying to get me to speak Latin all the time, but I don't see why I should. If he wants to pretend he's a Roman emperor then that's what he wants, I'm not sure how I can make it more clear that I DO NOT want this.

I'll try to write more tomorrow night, I'm sure things will happen tomorrow before we set off because these new recruits have been getting in fights all week. I'm terrified for New Canaan, I've heard rumors of raiding from the tribe we're enslaving next week. I'll find out more about that when we take their leader into slavery. Signed -Joshua

January 12, 2253

We captured the entire tribe last night, it's afternoon now. I finally got to have my chat with their leader this morning, calls himself The Prodigal King, illiterate tribal more like it. Here's how it went:

I walked into the tent where the Legionnaires had him tied around a pole by his hands. He was beaten pretty bad by the looks of it, fresh blood was running down the side of his face. "Exies." I said calmly. The three nodded and left. Once I was sure we were alone I looked at him and said "So, you're the leader of.. whatever you want to call that." I referred to the tribe. He looked up, his words were like venom "My people. Yes. What do YOU want? Here to hit me more? Who are you? Another scum of earth Legion pig?" His English was poor and I wasn't familiar with his tribal dialect, so this was going to have to do. "No I'm the Malpais Legate.. I heard you're tribe was raiding New Canaan. I can't see how, seeing as the New Canaanites are much better equipped and trained then you are, but are these rumors true?" He laughed gruffly. "You are a New Canaanite?" The way he said it made anger prick in me. "Yes." The tribal leader smiled wickedly. "In that case yes. We first slaughtered all then men. Then we killed all the women after raping them and enslaved the small children, we burned their sacred books and their sacred buildings." I lost it, took out my pistol. I shot him in the knee. He screamed in agony. "Fuck you." he said as angrily as I'd ever heard anyone say anything. I shot him in the other leg. He screamed again. He started begging for his life. "I'm sorry I'm sorry, no, no, no, we never went to New Canaan." I walked over slowly and crouched next to him.

"You should have just said that." Then I slid the knife out of my leg holster. I stuck it in the side of his neck and jerked it out. "Bleed out like the swine you are." I stood back up and walked out. After telling some of the Praetorian Guard to go clean up the body I sent a Legionary Scout to go to New Canaan for me to make sure they were okay. I sat in my tent the rest of the day reading through Acts. I don't think I'll be able to sleep, I think I'll stay up all night worrying that what the man had said was actually true.. but it couldn't be.. could it..? -Joshua G.  
_

January 21, 2253

I'm sitting in a heavily guarded tent now, I don't have much time so I need to hurry.

The Legionary scout returned today, he told me New Canaan was fine, he also said he had a message for me. Then he handed me a Bible. This was my mother's, old falling apart at the seam. I leaned back against a tree and flipped it open to the front page. On the Inside cover a quickly scribbled note read "To my son, the one who couldn't be here. I love you, and I forgive you." I looked up at the scout. "The people gave it to me there, they were all pretty upset.." I stood up straight and walked away before I said something I shouldn't. Carefully I put the ancient book in my bag then went to Ceasar's tent. I walked right in and told the Praetorian Guard to get out. They looked at Ceasar for a command but he told them too go. "What do you want, my Legate?" I slammed my fist down on his table, felt some of the wood splinter. "My mom's dead, I wasn't there. It's all your fucking fault!" I was gritting my teeth to keep from doing anything worse then speaking. "You should mind your tongue around me Graham, I let you get away with much more then I should purely out of respect. It's not my fault that your mother died, so don't blame me. If anything she lived longer because of me, if I wouldn't have said New Canaan was off limits it would be a faded remembrance like the rest of these.. tribes." I tackled him over the table and started hitting him, hard.

He was screaming and I could hear the scuffle of the Guard outside the tent. For the first time I seen fear in the mighty Ceasar's eyes, and to be honest I think I liked evoking fear in him. The Guard came scrambling in. They tried to grab me but I threw them off of me while still managing to get at Ceasar. It took 20 men to pull me off of him and restrain me. I was still trying to wriggle out of their grasp even then but I knew I couldn't. Ceasar stood up, bloody and beaten, angry, too afraid of me to punish me now while I was this upset. He spit out blood "Take him to his tent, watch him don't you dare let him out of your site I want half of you over there." His breathing was heavy and he was wiping thick red blood off his brow. "I'll deal with you later." He said trying to sound intimidating but failing miserably. I was silent as they dragged me away. When they threw me inside I suddenly felt the pain like nothing else. From my bruised and bloody knuckles to my mom. I've been gripping her Bible since I've been back in here and I haven't seen a single Legionnaire dare to come in here.. -Joshua G.  
_

[Rather then a journal page have this:

When I was about to leave for my first missionary assignment my dad came up to me and said "Joshua, I am so proud of you, you have no idea how much we love you. I know you're older now and think we're sheltering you but, the waste land IS a dangerous place. I want you to remember, Killing, if done righteously, is a chore like any other." He then proceeded to hand me a .45 auto and continued. "This is called 'A Light Shining in the Darkness' and it's been in the family for years, and I want you to take it with you, to remind you of home and to help you whenever you may need it. Remember what I say right now and you'll do just fine. Good bye Joshua." He hugged me and I said good-bye, and that was the last time I spoke with my dad.]  
_

January 23, 2253

I woke up, Ceasar was sitting across from my bed. "Good you're awake. We need to talk." I sat up, still feeling the pain of my loss. I didn't say anything. "Look, I understand what you must be feelin-" "You do NOT! If you did I would have been there for my mother!" "Calm yourself Graham." I gripped the blanket tightly. "I should have you killed for this." He motioned to his face which was swollen slightly and had stitches across it. I glanced down at my knuckles, bruised, cut up, nothing too serious. I looked back to him. "No matter how much you hate me, no matter how angry you get, never do that again. It showed weakness. They expect me to have you strung up on a cross or something at least." I looked at my feet considering if I should just kill him now. "I'm sorry." I looked up stunned. Did the mighty Ceasar apologize? It didn't make it better. I wasn't all forgiving, the anger didn't melt away, sorrow just shoved it out of the way. I put my head in my hand and ran my fingers through my hair. "Joshua I know how it feels no matter what you think of me. I understand way more than you will ever know.. I'm going to go. And Joshua?" I looked up slightly. "Fuck with me one more time and I will catch you on fire and throw you into the Grand Canyon." I was silent as he walked out. I jerked my journal off the table and have been scribbling this down since. I'm not one to be fucked with when it comes to...my family... my.. tribe.. -Joshua

Rather than a journal entry have this, it happened today.

I was sitting in the living room with the courier. She had her head on my lap and I was stroking up her arm and back when she suddenly looked up at me. "Can I ask you something?" I looked down at her. "What's going on?" I replied. "I've heard you up at 3am before. What are you doing?" "You want to know what I do when I get insomnia..?" I asked. "Yes." She said back. "Well I can't sleep first and foremost because I have night terrors.. If only you knew what I've done.. or at least from my perspective.." She put her hand gently on the side of my face, propping herself up on her elbow. "It's okay to tell me." Her voice was so quiet, distinctly hers. "I keep going back, back to when I.. killed all those people.. you know how I feel about killing.. but they.. they didn't deserve it.. they were innocent. Women, children.. it didn't matter. If I protested Caesar would punish me... and I already told you about that.." She sat up and hugged me tightly. "Joshua, that was a long time ago. I'm sure you'll never forgive yourself but you need to try, you paid the price for what you did, Hell, you pay that price every day. You weren't in control of the situation, You weren't strong willed then like you are now, you weren't anything you are now then." She let me go and stared into my eyes. "Trials, Joshua, and you passed them." I looked down at the floor. "I know what you mean, but Samantha if you haven't had the blood of the innocent on your hands you have no idea what guilt is.. I can't sleep at night because sometimes.. I swear.. I can just hear screaming children and mothers. Hear buildings collapse as the Legionnaires move through the town torching them, and at that point there's no way for me to sleep. So I get up, I read, I write, I think, and I used to contemplate suicide... but that was before I had something to live for." I looked at her. She looked at me smiling sadly, she put her hand against my chest. "I think I love you."  
_

Here's the next part guys, sorry for the wait.

I stared at her, unsure of what to say. She looked back expectantly. "I..I think I love you too." She leaned forward and pulled the bandage down away from my mouth and kissed me. She drew back and stared at me. I sharply inhaled and looked down at the couch. She pushed herself up quickly and ran into her room. "Wait!" I rushed after her and she was sitting on her bed. I was silent. "I shouldn't have done that." "Why not?" I asked. "I.. don't know." I sat down next to her and wrapped my arm around her waist and pulled her closer. "Tell me about it." She said quietly. "About?" I said back. "The Grand Canyon." I was quiet for a minute.

"He tried to kill me because of his own failure. Caesar needed someone to blame for ordering me to push forward into Boulder City. He needed everyone to think I gave the order that got so many killed and lost the First Battle of Hoover Dam. So he blamed me when they dragged me out of the rubble. he had already told them it was me as they dragged me away. They got me back to camp and tied me up in a tent. Caesar came in and put on a good show, yelling at me and saying it was all my fault. He said even 'failure will not be tolerated not even by you, my legate.' Then he took me to Arizona and did the whole Grand Canyon thing. Then I crawled back to New Canaan and they nursed me back to health. Soon though, New Canaan was attacked and pretty much every last person was killed. Then I ended up where you found me..." I said, feeling tears for the first time in a long time. I blinked them away quickly and held her close. She whispered ever so softly, "It's going to be okay.."

"You know I really like her." The courier said to me. I turned around. "Huh?" "Oh sorry." She turned off her Pipboy radio and pulled out her head phones. "Lana Del Rey, but any ways that's not important. Where are we going?" She said as we continued walking down the cracked road, getting close to our destination. "Boulder City." Her expression changed slightly to concern. "Why exactly? I'm worried about you, you always avoid talking about... your past.. but now? You talk to me about it all the time and in the past two weeks we've been to New Canaan, Zion, and now Boulder City.. " I reached out and took her hand. "You.. you make me feel alive. I haven't felt like this in a long time. I feel like I can tell you about it all and you wont judge me or try to make me feel any more guilty than I already do." Her expression changed again, it was warmer now, understanding.

After about fifteen more minutes of walking we got there and there wasn't anyone there. As we got closer I started to remember everything that happened.. all the people that died.. everything I could have prevented. We were ten feet from the memorial and I collapsed. "Joshua!" She said suddenly. She reached down to pull me up. I gently pushed her away. I sat on my knees and stared at the boulder with New California Republic names chipped into it. "No.." I whispered to myself. "Joshua you're starting to worry me." She said quietly. "Look.. at all those names... I..." There were almost 60 names listed.. and that was from the bodies they could identify. I pushed myself up and walked over to the memorial and ran my hand down across the engravings. I closed my eyes and stood there for a while when suddenly I heard a voice I knew.

"Samantha?" I turned sharply on my heels. "Ulysses..?" The courier said back. He stopped dead in his tracks. He said my name like it was acid in his mouth. "Joshua."  
_

It continues ..

I was speechless, I looked at him, no I stared. "Ulysses I-" He suddenly cut her off. "What is this exactly?" I stepped forward and pulled her to me protectively. "I see." He reacted. "Walk away." I said sharply. He smirked. "You think you scare me Graham?" I couldn't tell if it was a bluff or not. "I'm sick of the Legion and I've had enough of it for one day." Ulysses smiled in a vicious way. "End it then," The courier shifted uncomfortably in my grip. "I'm not sure if I should respect you or not." He said directed at her. I pulled out my pistol and was ready to shoot him dead on when she suddenly spoke. "No!" and she smacked the gun from my grip. It flew across the sand and hit the monument. I was shocked and so was he. "No! You're not killing each other!" She pushed me off and walked forward and stepped a few feet forward. "I get so tired of people dying all the time! If you don't like each other fine. This time though you need to walk away, for me." She said, angrily. "History repeats too much." She whispered almost to herself. She turned back to me. "WHAT WOULD IT SOLVE!" She screamed. I was taken aback, literally, I took a step back. "I..I..I don't know.." I said quietly. She turned back to Ulysses. "And YOU! HASN'T HE BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH!" He was visibly shocked too. He looked like he was about to lecture her then stopped himself. Then unexpectedly he turned and walked away into the sunset. What a cliché. She turned back to me again and walked past me. She picked up my gun and handed it back. "I'm sorry Joshua," The courier hugged me. "You were right." She let go and we walked back towards Goodsprings. "I need to refill this bottle, sorry." She said when we started off. No matter what she says, I know one day, I will have to fight him, and I can only hope that she'll understand..

October 15, 2253

"No!" A tribal mother screams as a legionnaire snatches her daughter from her arms, it's a young girl, no less than 16. He tosses her in with the other children. Another legionnaire shoves her into the female section and a bomb collar is snapped around her neck quickly. They're being herded together for more sorting, some will be slaves, others will be bred.. The sight is sickening. I turn into my tent and try not to scream. I flipped over a table next to the entrance. I can't let this go on I can't deal with this I can't... I can't...

Then I think of home, I can't stop Caesar or else I have no idea what he'll pull... More later he's coming in. -Josh

November 20, 2253

I swung around the lance I was holding and watched three tribal men fall to the ground. I threw down the monstrous sword. I was panting, covered in blood, and sure I made a good enough example. Slinging the blood off my hands I picked up my crucifix necklace and brushed the blood soaked dirt off of it then slipped it back on. With a final assessment of the crowd of slaves and legionnaires I threw up my arms in victory towards Caesar, they cheered and Caesar smiled wickedly. I had never been beaten in the arena, ever. And I never would be. Pushing the closest body to me away with my foot I walked out of the arena and listened to the sounds of the next battle beginning.

Upon returning to my tent I began shuffling through tactical plans. When I lifted up a stack a letter fell out. It was seal with a wax label, something I had seen only once. To Joshua was scrawled on the back in a seductive font. I pulled open the seal and plucked the letter from the envelope. I carefully unfolded the fragile looking paper. In black ink, in the same font on the back it said: "Dear Joshua, you may not remember me but this is Vulpes. I am not very high ranking yet but I want to tell you something, if you can put in a good word with the mighty Caesar for me then I will be your indentured servant to do... Anything your heart desires, and I mean.. Anything.. Love, love, & love again, Vulpes"

I felt almost sick reading the letter. This Vulpes character seemed very willing to do...anything to get in good with Caesar.. After reading the letter I tossed the papers onto the table. I went over and reclined on my bed and picked up the nearest book on my nightstand. The title read "The Hunger Games" by Suzanne Collins. I smirked as I read the back and flipped it open to the first page. I started reading then glanced up and looked at the other two books by her, probably the next two in the series. It was nice to read something other than the Bible for a change.. Suddenly my thoughts were interrupted by a voice at the door. "Enter" I said. A legionnaire came in with a box. "From Caesar." He handed me the box and left. I pulled it open slowly and revealed the contents. I gasp as I read the attached note. "The last best thing I could find to try to reconcile my mistakes, I'm truly sorry about your mother." It was a little late for that.. I reached in and pulled out a battered wooden crucifix necklace with a frayed rope string. The only other possession my mother really loved besides her ragged old leather bound Bible. She once told me "Joshua I won't possess anything ever that I love quite as much as you" an I will never forget that, and I can still hear her say it quietly to me. Suddenly I flushed red with anger, was he mocking me? Time to go find out. -Joshua

November 20, 2253 (cont.)

I stormed into Caesar's tent. "Joshua-" He began to say. "This!" I pulled the crucifix on the necklace from under my shirt then let it fall back to my chest. "Where did you get this-" I began to say angrily. "New Canaan of course!" Caesar said cutting me off. "Don't get sarcastic with me!" I shouted. He stood up from his throne suddenly. "I DO WHAT I WANT!" The Guard all took a cautious step forward, ready to attack me any second. Caesar strode angrily over and was mere inches from me. He put his hand on my chest and leaned forward, his lips almost touching my ear. "You need to learn your place Joshua, or I'll have to teach you it." The whisper was so sensual.

"Get away from me." I shoved him away from me. The Praetorian Guard rushed forward and grabbed me by the arms. My eyes were wide and I was staring at Caesar who only looked back at me with a certain smugness. So he was just like the typical Legion stereotype... I thought so honestly. "Why don't you take our lovely legate to his tent to cool down, and hopefully New Canaan wont be razed to the ground."

I lunged out of their grasp and tackled Caesar. We tumbled into a table knocking papers, books, and red wine was like time was slowed down. His expression slowly went to panic, his eyes going wide. I just started hitting him in the face. The Guards feet sounded slow to me. I watched the blood spray from his mouth and nose. I smiled wickedly.. I.. enjoyed it.. ... Left elbow, right palm, right elbow, left palm, right fist, left, right, left... Suddenly someone grabbed my right arm as soon as I was about to strike again and jerked me up so hard I thought they broke my arm. The person threw me with all their might and I tumbled backwards and glanced at Caesar, laying in a pool of blood barely moving, before I slammed my head into a wooden beam holding up the tent. Then it was darkness, holding my in its embrace. "Lights out." I thought I heard my mother whisper.

November 23, 2253

My eyes slowly opened and adjusted to the light. It was somewhat dark, and the only light was a small fire burning in the center of the tent I was in. I was laying on a tribal looking bed and I seen bowls of bloody water and blood soaked towels scattered about. I tried to move but a wave of pain caused me to stop then try slowly to sit up. I moaned unintentionally and a legionnaire walked in. He was wearing a mask so I couldn't tell who he was, he also wasn't wearing one specific class of armor, a strange mix. "I saved you Joshua, we need to get going." His voice was rather high, and strange. "Ten minutes, your things are in the corner." I finished pushing myself up into a sitting position and stretched out my arms, it felt like someone had beat my half to death. "Who are you? What happened?" I asked quickly. "Later. Just hurry." He walked out. I located the trunk my things were in and got dressed and equipped my weapons.

I walked out of the tent and we were in the woods. Woods were so scarce it took me aback. I looked around quietly and realized we were in the small woodland area that was about a mile away from the current legion camp. "Okay I'm here, now will you answer my questions?" "Soon. Let's go. "

He grabbed a machete laying on a chair next to an extinguished fire and slid it into his belt. I followed the mysterious stranger through the woods and when we finally reached the edge, where it broke off into a small vacant town I suddenly spoke again. "Please tell me who you are, I have to know." He sighed then reached up and pulled off the mask. He was a.. She.. And she looked familiar. "You saved me once and I returned you the favor." I suddenly knew who she was. Months ago when I had saved a slave girl, that was her. I wrote about it a long time ago but it's there. She grabbed my arm an pulled me forward towards a building. She got to the door and jiggled the handle. It didn't budge so she kicked it in. It clattered to the floor and I just stared. "I forgot the key." She said simply. She entered and hit a light switch. A battery powered light came on. There was a pile of boxes in the corner but she walked past them to a metal one in the back. She opened it with a key that was around her neck and pulled out a suit of T-51b Winterized Power Armour. Then she walked to a box and pulled out a Guass Rifle. "Oh my god.. What is your name?" I asked quickly. "People just call me E," I looked at her strangely. "You and I," she said, "We're going to save my family from the legion, then I'm going to let you go back, but right now, you best stay away from them, you don't want to know what Caesar is saying he's gonna do to you." "I do." I said. E sighed and gestured to a couch. "Take a seat."

to be continued :::))

Rather than continuing my other post for now there's something else I wanted to share with you from my path to wickedness.

Long ago, about three years before I wrote my first journal entries in ages on Christmas eve, I was writing in my previous journal. This time I want to share with you something I wrote when someone I loved very much died. It was my best friend, Gabrielle was the sweetest girl you'd ever meet. She caught a strange ailment that no one could apparently cure.

"Death came fast,

jerked you from my grasp,

stole your very soul as I watch you

I screamed, cried, and begged God but,

you were gone.

Like a candle that the wind had blown out.

It was over so quickly,

I never knew I could feel this way.

I feel like a flightless bird,

I'm never going to forget you,

your initials will forever be inked on my chest.

Not too big, not too small, just a small reminder of someone I loved.

I hope you look down on me and smile,

I'm not very good at poetry, but this one's for you

Because Gabrielle I love you."

...

Ah it was a bad poem but I was grieving and didn't know what else to do..

cont. (It's another long one because you guys seem to like these) (Also read my poem post to understand this)

"He wants you to pay for what you did. Making threats he couldn't keep, wondering where you are and sending his best scouts out looking for you." E said as she began taking micro-fusion cells out of a different trunk. "I'm sure you already knew that would happen though." I sighed heavily. "Yeah. I know. I can't do this anymore..." She turned suddenly and walked over to me. Her hands rushed up and firmly grasped my shoulders. "Joshua, look at me." I looked up at her. "You don't have a choice. This is for your family. Not you, never you. When we're done, I... I don't care what you say or I say you're going back. You have to." I looked down at the floor. "I know." I whispered quietly. Her hands fell back to her sides and she turned back to her stockpile. "How did you save me..?" I asked quietly, looking back up at her crouching figure. "I...I had been watching you ever since you saved me. I figured one day you might need me to return the favor. I don't know how to explain it but I dragged you out of that tent and out of that camp. Everyone was so worried about Caesar that no one noticed until after a Legionnaire started screaming in the tent that Caesar's assailant was gone. By then I had out two Stealth Boys.." Her voice was so familiar.. almost like.. like I knew her from long ago. And there was something in it.. it almost sounded like.. her heart was breaking. "I owe you my life." I said. "No.. I.. I owe you mine. I would have been a slave." I sighed softly and looked down at my bandaged hands. "I had to put 14 stitches total in your hands. And 4 on your forehead." She said gently. I looked at her amazed. "Who are you really." I said, it wasn't a question, it was a statement. "E stands for?"

She stood up quickly and walked past me to another box. A few seconds later when she walked back carrying the box I grabbed her arm. It surprised her and she dropped the box. The lid held but it fell a few feet away. I then seen a chain around her neck, the necklace was mostly under her armour. I reached up and before she could stop me I pulled it out. A small silver cross was on the end. I gasped and looked up at her face. Her eyes were brimming with tears. "Where did you get this!" I shouted. She jerked her arm out of my grasp and took several steps back. I stood up and stared at her. "E..What does it stand for..?" A tear threatened her face and she gave in. "My last name. It's part of my initials." Tears threatened me now too. "What's your name..." I said in a whisper. "Gabrielle Ellis" I was trembling. "No.. Gabrielle is dead.. I.. I know she is." She turned and ran out the door crying.

"No.. it.. GABRIELLE!" I screamed chasing after her. She turned and ran around a corner. I slowed as I rounded the same one, it was an alley that was somehow still standing. Her hands covered her face and she was sliding down a brick wall crying. I walked to her and scooped her from the ground. I squeezed her tightly and couldn't help but cry too. "I don't know how you're here but it's you.. I should have known.. Gabrielle, I.. I don't know what to say." Gabrielle nuzzled her head into my chest and kept crying. "Joshua I've always loved you." "You broke my heart when I thought you were dead." "I know. It broke my heart too." We just stood there and I held her. "It's so complicated Joshua and I promise to tell you everything, but I'm just so glad to see you again." "Me too." I said quietly."That box you made me drop is.. important." I released her and we walked back. "What's in it that's so important?" I asked. "You'll see." She said with a sniffle.

It was full of things from her time in New Canaan. Mostly our things. Like dried flowers and things I drew for her. She was my best friend and the girl I loved.. It's so hard to explain.. "I know we both love each other but Joshua we still need a plan to save my family from the Legion. Specifically my sisters. And you still need a way to get back to being Legate and getting Caesar to not have you killed. I know you don't want to but do it for you family.. your tribe.." She said. "I always have.." I said very quietly almost to where it was unheard.

(Cont.)

It started out so simple, save her family, face my judgement from Caesar, take him out when the time was right. Then everything got complicated, working out the logistics took almost a week of planning from her cache of weapons. But finally the day happened, and she was so afraid of what we were going to do. She didn't understand why I wasn't at all afraid of the fact I may die, but I just didn't want to tell her if wasn't afraid of dying. Here's how it went down; we snuck into the camp which was incredibly difficult, then we located her two sisters in the slave pens. After almost getting caught three times we were able to get them safely away. Now I want it to be known our relationship was purely platonic, I'm saying this because I feel like people may believe wasn't. I loved her, yes, but more or less as a friend, something deeper actually. After we said our good byes and I made her promise I come see me I headed back alone.

I reached the first guard quickly , "Lord Caesar had been looking for you." He said. As he walked to me. "I know." I said quietly. He reached me and made me turn around. He tied my wrists with rope and pulled me with him to Caesar's Tent.

"Joshua listen, I don't need to even explain how I feel because I think you know pretty well how I do. I'm going to punish you, that you know, but you're still going to be my legate, no matter how you feel, you're the best I have as of now, so be thankful I won't have you killed." Caesar said keeping his temper level. "You know what to do." He said to the Guard.

A weeks worth of horrible torture. That's what I got. And I endured it because I love my family, and they're the only thing that matter anymore to me, more then myself anyways...

Haven't posted any journal entries in a while. I plan to start doing it again. Here, from where we left off.. sorta. It's about a month later. Sorry for the wait, kinda long to make up for it.

December 29, 2253

It was cold, so cold. Caesar had me taking some of the most skilled warriors with me up North along with some slaves. We were scouting to see if there were more tribes to capture. This year we were short a tribe and needed to get another to meet the yearly 3-4 tribe minimum. The day had been very.. interesting. The sun moved slowly towards the horizon and I knew it would be dark before long so, I called for the band to stop for the night. They thought we should have kept going but they're ignorant, they don't realize the dangers of the cold and the importance of sleep. I had my small travel tent pitched and everything set up for the night with about a half an hour of daylight to spare. I decided to use the last light for a little reading, specifically from the Bible, a piece of home, a piece of me, some sanity among the roaring sea that was now my life. The tattered red velvet string marked where I had left off and I flipped it open. The small band I had with me was obviously very unhappy about us stopping. I pulled the old world blanket closer around me and huddled by the fire, the streams of sunlight dancing on the fading pages. One of the higher ups of the warriors approached me, he was a Frumentarii and his name was Alban. "Why did you have us stop?" He asked, harshly. "It's getting dark, and colder." I said passively. "Enough light to read.. that though." He said, his voice holding it's hardness. I looked up, he did not respect me, I was too easy on these Legionnaires. "Thirty minutes, give or take a few." I said looking back down at my Bible to mark the passage where I was. "We stopped because you're weak and all you do is read!" I sighed. "I am warning you, Alban, go now." I turned a page. "Or what? What are you going to do Graham? We should have killed you long ago when you turned on Caesar." I closed the book. and looked up at him, then stood, still holding a passive stature. "Go." I was done dealing with him, they lacked respect and if he didn't stop I planned on teaching him a thing or two about it. He smirked at me. I looked him dead in the eyes, "This is your last warning. Stand down now." With a quick motion he grabbed the Bible from my hands. This was a VERY bad move on his part. With an even quicker motion I snatched it back before he could wing it across the dirt. The same motion landed the book back down on my chair and my hand on his chest shoving him back. He didn't stand a chance. I shoved him down and beat the Hell out of him, he didn't even get a swing in, I was too fast. Long ago he had quit struggling but I couldn't stop. Two of the other warriors came over to pull me off. I shoved them back, "STAY BACK!" I screamed. They trembled and rushed back. I stood up, covered in blood, running down my fingertips. I wiped my brow off, smearing Alban's blood on my face worse. "Crucify." I said heavily, breathing roughly, staring at the barely breathing form of Alban. They bowed their heads and grabbed him up, not daring to look me in the eye. "I hope this teaches you all a lesson," I said harshly, as they lashed him to a tree. "You will end up just like this high ranking Frumentarii if you so much as question me." I lumbered back to the chair. Picking up a table, I set my Bible on it. "Slave girls. Now." I said loudly. Two terrified women approached me. "In." I said, feeling warm crimson run down my face. I grabbed the second one roughly. "Pick this up," I gestured to the Bible. She did. "Bring that with you, I don't want more blood getting on it." She looked at the red finger prints from when I had grabbed it. I walked in and told her to drop it in my bag. "Help me out of these clothes," I said, my voice starting to soften. "Please." I added. My arms ached and my knuckled were bleeding, again. The women helped me out of my blood soaked clothing and washed me off with water from a nearby creek that was nearly dried up. As they washed away the blood the realization of what I had done slammed into me like a train. I sharply inhaled and they both jumped. "I'm sorry." I said quietly. I leaned forward, cradling my head in my hands. They went back to work and ignored my quiet sobs as they scrubbed. (..to be continued..)

December 29, 2253 (cont.)

I sat there in my boxers while they washed my clothes down by the drying stream. Too terrified to run or even speak to me, I knew they wouldn't leave the permitted area. I laid my head on my cupped hands in front of me, closing my eyes, and just sat in a silence so deafening it horrified me. The whole camp was silent. It was like I could hear the stars whispering about some lost plane of existence I belonged in, I of course meant Hell. I heard a noise and looked up, it was a slave girl, standing timidly by the door, holding out a damp vest. When I stood she flinched. "Don't, please," I said quietly. "I'm not going to hurt you." She shifted slightly. Slowly I reached for the bullet proof vest. Turning I shook is hard, throwing water on the dirt, then I set it on the chair to dry. "My other clothes?" I asked. "Being hung up to dry, sir." She responded, her voice weak and raspy. "Oh God." I said and quickly walked to her. She squirmed when I put my hand on her shoulder. "Stop moving, please, turn around." She stopped immediately, and turned. I undid her collar. Her whole body was trembling. "Please, calm down." I said and turned her back to me. Her neck was swollen and red. "I'm so sorry, I had no idea that your collar was fitted like that." I tossed it to the ground. I gestured to my bed. Then it hit me. "OH!" I exclaimed. "No, nothing like that, I'm going to help you with your.. um problem." I walked out of the tent and grabbed my still slightly damp pants and put them on. I came back in and grabbed a first aid kit. Outside my tent I could hear the band moving around and talking, busy bustle. "This is for emergencies only, Caesar doesn't want me to chance dying." I took out some aspirin and gauze, along with some antibiotic. As part of my studies in New Canaan I took medical training for if their were tribal's who needed help. She was laying down, confused and scared. "Please don't be afraid, I'm going to help you. Take these." I handed her two pills and a little water. "Okay good, now let me treat you neck, okay?" Midway through I suddenly was conflicted at why I was doing this. I was already doing it so I may as well finish the job. I wrapped her neck and she looked at me gratefully. Her eye's said everything I needed to hear. "What's your name? You're real name I mean." she asked me quietly, trying to not strain her voice. "Joshua. Joshua Graham." "I'm Lisa." "Pretty name." "Thank you."I was sitting cross legged on the bed. "Why are you doing this?" She asked. "I'm not sure." I got up and picked up her collar. "I...I'm so sorry." I said rolling it over in my hand. Lisa was silent. I set it on my bed next to her. "Sometimes it just gets so fucking hard." I said quietly. I sat back on the bed sighed. "You aren't like the rumors say, are you?" Her voice sounded awful. "...No." I said after a minute. "Why do you do this?" Lisa asked weakly. I then proceeded to start pouring out my heart. I told her of my childhood, my expeditions, missionary work, Caesar, my love of my home, and then finally, why I was doing it all. We sat up for several hours, it was almost 1 by the time I stopped talking. I was falling apart again. Lisa's attitude towards me had changed greatly. I no longer seen terror in her eyes, only understanding love. Love. She loved what I was doing for my family. "You're a good man, and you're selfless." I was shocked by this, she was a slave after all. "Never thought I'd say that to you." I sighed. "I'm just.. I don't know." She held out her arms. "Come here." I fell into her and she laid back. I closed my eyes and drifted off to sleep.

~J.G

December 30, 2253

My eyes opened slowly and the room around my adjusted, I was laying in some weird position. I turned my head and realized I was on top of a person.. a woman. I sat up and rubbed my head. The night came back to me and I immediately looked over. Early morning sun beams were drifting through a rip in the top of my tent. Throwing my arms up in a stretch I leaned back. Lisa woke up when she heard my cracking bones, it felt amazing. I stood up and got dressed. She stared at me watching my with lust in her expression. I snapped the vest on and sat down. "What are you going to do to me now?" She asked quietly. It was early and most of the camp was training or asleep still. I reached out and picked up my Bible. Taking a rag off my desk I wiped the blood still smeared on the cover off. "Daily devotion first, then I'll talk to you." I said, flipping the pages to my book marker from last night.

After about 20 minutes of reading I closed the book, we could hear everyone waking up, the daily bustle had started. "Come here, please." I said. She pushed herself out from under the blankets and came over. I unwrapped her neck slowly. She flinched, "Sorry." her mumble was cut off by another jerk from her pain. It looked slightly better, not perfect. "Do you want to be my personal..." I trailed off, not wanted to say slave. "Yes, please," Her voice still sounded bad and she said it quickly. "I just.. I don't know. I could use your help, and I can keep that collar off of you this way." I said as I applied more antibiotic and gauze. "Aren't you afraid I'll run away?" She asked me quietly, trying to not strain her voice too much. "Should I be?" I retorted. Lisa shook her head as I stood up. "For now," I said picking the collar off the bed. "I'm going to loosely snap this on you, and when we're back you can, well, y'know." She nodded and I snapped it on her over top of the bandaging. "I'll change that again tonight." I picked up my legendary .45 and slipped it into it's holster.

Camp was packed up quickly and when I walked out of the tent holding Lisa by the hand all the men started joking about me. I heard one of them say something like 'finally'. Disgusting. I didn't want the other men to come near her. I didn't think, after the scene from last night, I'd have to deal with them but better safe than sorry so she stayed close. Seeing as she was going to be my personal slave it made sense. I didn't even have to tell her, she hid behind me the rest of the trip. We weren't finding anything so I decided to make an announcement. "I'm going back to the main camp, with this slave girl. Continue on, I will tell Caesar what I instructed you to do." I grabbed Lisa by the hand and went to turn around. "We all know what he's gonna do to her," someone mumbled behind me. "God knows I would look at that as-" I turned around sharply. I quick drew my .45. It was dead silent. "I think it would be wise of you to learn respect and to keep your comments to yourself." My voice cold and harsh. We had a long road ahead of us, metaphorically anyways.

~Joshua G

December 31, 2253

We hiked during the day, not running into anything much. As the day grew on she kept walking closer and closer. By sunset she was holding my hand. I allowed it, we were friends, right..? "So," I said, "It's New Years tonight." She said nothing. "An Old World holiday." I continued. "Oh, yeah I know." Quick and quiet response. "C-can I ask you something?" I stopped. "Yes?" I was concerned, she looked pale. "C...Ca.. Can you take this collar off me..?" I reached back with one hand and unsnapped it. "I'm sorry I forgot." She hugged me, tightly. "er.." "Sorry." Lisa let go and we kept walking.

The sun began sinking towards the horizon faster and I decided to stop. "Let's make camp, we should be back to the main camp sometimes tomorrow night." She nodded and helped me set up. When we were done I lit a fire and we sat by it and she made something to eat. After we ate she laid down, I changed her bandages, and then I sat by the fire reading. "Are you going to come lay down? We need to get up early?" She asked gently. I shifted uncomfortably. I almost felt like I was seeking comfort in her, not something a man of the cloth would do, ever. Then again, I'd betrayed the Lord so many other ways already... No. We would share a bed tonight but nothing would happen. "Yeah, I know. Sorry. It's pretty hard to read now anyways." I stood up and pulled off my vest and shirt. Her eyes were following me the whole time. Yawning I sat my armor on the ground and snuggled down into the bed. It was warmer down south, back in the desert region but I was still a little chilled. Lisa was propped up on her elbow but she came down and slid under my arm. "I'm cold." Was her only excuse. "Oh.. um, okay." I responded, at a loss for words. She let out a sigh and snuggled up closer, she was shaking. "Are you okay?" I asked. "Yeah, just cold." I wrapped my arms around her and she pushed herself on my chest. "Is... Caesar or any of the other Legionaries going to ...hurt me ever again?" Her voice was barely audible. "No." I reassured her. She looked up at me, the fire reflecting off of her eyes. Without warning she pushed her lips up against mine. After a minute I turned away. "Lisa.." I said. "I'm sorry." Her small voice crushed me. I squeezed her tighter for a minute then.. I fell asleep.

-Joshua


End file.
